so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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