mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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