I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
