um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
