Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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