dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
