Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
