Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
