We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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