sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
