I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
