we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
