jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
