I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
