I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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