I looked at my own cervix.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
