Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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