It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
