Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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