Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All the doctor said was why
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
