Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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