Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
