We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
