I just threw up on my dentist
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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