to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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