I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
