worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
