Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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