I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
