She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
