Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
