why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
