I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
