A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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