dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles