I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
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It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
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Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?