I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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