I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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