Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
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