We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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