Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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