I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
