can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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