U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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