THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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