when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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