So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
There are leaves in my underwear?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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