apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
