fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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