Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
