My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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