Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
