I faked an abortion last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
