And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
