It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
