The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
