I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
