New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
