my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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